Alien nation

AP NEWSFLASH: The whereabouts of Fearless Leader are currently unknown. Is 
he simply AWOL or is it a case of alien abduction? The truth is out there!

Since Chatty CathyDin O'Barrell and Bitter Billie Rubin have commandeered the helm of the Starved Rock Murders group, the rudderless ship is foundering on the jagged rocks of irrationality. CathyDin keeps on bringing up the same old ridiculous theories like this one: Chester had asthma back when he was a 21-year-old ex-Marine (yes, he has it now, 53 years later, after a lifetime of smoking), he is holding an inhaler in his hand in a 1960 photo taken in the LaSalle County Courthouse (even though they weren't yet perfected or widely available), and the asthma medication was the reason he failed those pesky lie detector tests.
In addition, CathyDin is still trotting out batshit-crazy new ideas like Chester not being able to read or write, thus making all of those confessions invalid, you see, despite the fact a letter he wrote to a girl in the Marines with whom he had become obsessed was found torn to pieces along the trail leading to the canyon in which the murders occurred.
All of this combined with Bitter Billie's drunken late-night rants and the general disharmony and dissatisfaction among the group's saner members appears to have driven off Fearless Leader. That or he has been abducted by those aliens he spotted landing in Starved Rock State Park! We would say this latter notion must be the correct one because after all, Fearless Leader wouldn't just abandon his flock, now would he?
Poor timid Merry Ourang-Outang keeps asking after his whereabouts, but she is studiously ignored by her pals, Billie and CathyDin.

Merry Ourang-Outang: Ladies, where is our leader? Haven't heard a word  (Posted on Dec. 6, 2013)

Dead silence.

Merry O.: (CathyDin), what has happened with our group? Where's (Tepid)?  (Posted on Dec. 9, 2013)

Again, she receives no response. They just continue on with their nonsensical imaginings and don't even bother acknowledging Merry's legitimate concerns. We believe they know way more than they are letting on, like the fact that Tepid Starch is no longer of this world! All the signs are there, folks.

A. He hasn't been heard from since Dec. 2.
B. He dared to poke fun at said extraterrestrials by recently posting derisive comments about them.
C. He shows 10 of the top 25 symptoms indicating alien abduction, including various addictions or compulsions, unexplained bruises and scars, periods of missing time, feelings of having a special mission in life, rapid fingernail growth, interpersonal relationship problems, spontaneous visual images in his mind (of course that could be the result of the first symptom!), and an unexplained phobia of clowns.
D. Most of the time he goes around acting like he has a pole or some other rigid object up his butt. I'm guessing that would be one of those alien anal probes we've all heard so much about! Man, that sucker has to hurt like the dickens!!
If Tepid Starch never returns, the SRM group is undoubtedly doomed. Who will lead the Charge of the Tight Brigade now when into the Valley of Meth ride the 600? If it's left up to the Dynamic Dipshit Duo of Chatty CathyDin and Bitter Billie, they will all end up plunging to their deaths over a cliff of despair. Chester will continue to rot in prison, the much-maligned local author will fail to be publicly shamed and Fearless Leader will never get that movie released. Actually, that all sounds pretty good! We don't know about any of you, but we're rooting for the aliens this time.